A Response to Carnegie's First Principle: Don't Criticize, Condemn or Complain.

Carnegie in all his wisdom to many seemed to perfect the art of getting along with people, be it friendship or otherwise. While reading his first section on not criticizing, condemning or complaining I took special note to a few lines he said.

So they rationalize, they explain. They can tell you why they had to crack a safe or be quick on the trigger finger. Most of them attempt by a form of reasoning, fallacious or logical, to justify their antisocial acts even to themselves, consequently stoutly maintaining that they should never have been imprisoned at all.

Carnegie hit the nail on the head when he said this; each person justifies their actions internally, this is why no one tends to be openly wrong. Think back to a time you were walking someplace and realized you were supposed to go elsewhere. 9 times out of 10 when people abruptly change direction they tend to try and mask their mistake by looking at their watch or something of the sort so that the curious bystander doesn't presume them lost. It is a hit to our pride, it in a way emasculates us to be found out wrong.

All this was said to make the point that when dealing with people criticism is ineffective. When someone is confronted we are like cornered animals: we gnash our teeth, howl wildly, and hope that our aggressor is either scared off or distracted long enough for us to figure a way out. We also tend to remember who our aggressor was and put little trust in them any further. This resentment, Carnegie says, inflates the situation but fixes nothing.

Personal Experience:
I was working on a project with a peer who desperately wanted to make me her subordinate; our boss made it clear that we were peers, of equal status, for this project. The individual to be blunt, rubbed me the wrong way. I consulted our HR rep (without giving names) and asked how to best fix the problem without causing resentment I was told this:

No matter what path you take, you have to confront the problem to achieve a solution. Don't come out swinging and making accusations but rather generalizations of how you work best.

Carnegie also made several references to having empathy. That we could perhaps behave in the same way if under the same conditions. He also noted that we are emotional creatures and that sometimes it is a GOOD thing to let off some steam. Writing an angry letter gets it off your chest so long as you write it and not send it. We cannot hold grudges against someone for an honest mistake, and should one be made granting a second chance is the honorable thing to do.

Homework:

Many people have great difficulties with initiating conversations, or when they do their nervousness gets the best of them. Rather than allowing this to control you, make a conscious effort to look every person you pass in the eye long enough to know the color of their eyes. Most people will have no problem if you do this, and certainly not if you maintain a friendly demeanor (read: don't have a creepy expression on you face, either too large or small of a smile to be considered friendly).