Carnegie's Fifth Principle: Talk in terms of the other person's interest.

Carnegie wrote of how Roosevelt would study the subject that his visitors were partial to; he knew that "the royal road to a person's heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most."

The professor William Lyon Phelps tells of how a man once conversed with him when he was younger. He held the man in high esteem because he talked so much about the things that interested his younger self. His aunt then told him it was "[b]ecause he [was] a gentleman. He saw [the boy] liked boats, and he talked about the things he knew would interest and please [the boy].

Once, when I was interviewing for a project, I was asked about my background. I told the interviewer (who was the project manager) of how I grew up on my family's farm and how our product was all natural, free-range, and antibiotic free. Turns out his wife was big into all natural/organic and he continued asking questions about the farm. I related a fair deal of the interview questions back to the farm to keep on a subject he liked. It worked splendidly and he put me on the project.

Homework:

Talk to the person, their interests, them before bringing up your first order of business. Sometimes bluntness is required, but more often a graceful choice of words will get you further.

Carnegie's Fourth Principle to Get People to Like You: Be a good Listener. Encourage People to Talk About Themselves.

Carnegie tells of how he had a conversation with a woman who found out he had been the manager of someone just before they went big time. She brought up the places he must have traveled in a prelude to being able to talk about her recent trip to Africa. Carnegie noted this mentally and rather than tell her a story she wasn't particularly interested in, he played to her ego and begged her to tell her story. At the end of their night she thanked him for being "an interesting conversationalist." Though he had said little, she felt engaged a lot because he seemed genuinely interested.

Carnegie continues to tell of how one of his students had an issue at a store she frequented. Her years of patronage were almost a loss after one clerk refused to allow her to exchange a coat. The manager, who recognized her, attempted to make things right in her eyes.

I once went into a popular chain supermarket when I was in need of a small table for my kitchen. I saw one on the shelf for an unbelievable price and then went to find someone to wheel it up front. The woman I found was the store manager and after she and I joked around a bit I asked if she could send someone to my aid. She did and I went to the front to pay; when rang up it showed twice the price I saw earlier. After I queried the Customer Service Rep that was standing near by I politely refused the purchase when they held firm to the price in the computer. I returned to my new manager friend to ensure that I wasn't crazy. She bore witness to the price hanging over the table, then scanned the bar-code and said, "You're right, let's go get you it at this price." They mismarked the item, but it was her capacity to listen that saved them my patronage; I have been known to be a bit spiteful when a faceless corporation wrongs me.

Carnegie later notes how a mother would always stop everything when her kids wanted to talk to her. One day her son told the mother that he knew she loved him because of this, the practice of stopping whatever she was doing in order to listen to the fullest. Time is a commodity that we can sell but never buy back; one that is finite in nature, but spoils if unused. Each of us are given a small allotment of time, how we use it shows what we care about.

Carnegie recalls an episode of a scrooge of a customer was turned around by a lone telephone representative who listen to the man's complaints, taking four appointments in total. Once he had said his peace the customer paid the owed charges and the representative closed the case. The man wanted to moan a bit and until he was heard he wasn't going to give up.

Once, while at a small library on my college campus, a woman walked in, sat down, and attempted to log on to a computer. This library was for a specific major and only students of that major were able to utilize the resources. The woman was distraught when she found out the computer was locked to anyone without the proper credentials and preceded to ask a nearby student for their cell phone. The student complied and she then called 9-1-1. She demanded that the police come and make the computer work; however, when they arrived, it wasn't to fix the computer but to pick up a passenger for the trip back. She craved someone to hear her out, to the point that she called 9-1-1!!!

Sometimes we need someone to merely listen to us; to make us sort our our own problems by saying them aloud. I have a dear friend/boss who's office I have the tendency to waltz into when my mental noise is too much to contain. She and I have an unspoken agreement that if I truly need a solution I will specify that, but otherwise it is me venting. When I get too flustered I need but an audience who won't breathe a word of my frustration to anyone.

Each of us loves to talk of ourselves and admire our heroics; remember this is true for the individual you are conversing with.

Homework:

Allow others to voice more in conversation; rather than formulating a response while they are talking: listen, think, then respond.

Carnegie's Third Principle to Get People to Like You: Remember that a person's name is the most important sound to that person.

Carnegie recalls of how Jim Farley, a man with no formal education, won the Presidency for Roosevelt. He traveled the country meeting people then wrote personalized letters to each individual. Carnegie reminds us that even though some people have difficult names, one must avoid assigning them a new one.

The last time I was out to eat our waitress, Allison, asked us our names when she took our drink orders. She continued to use them the rest of the night and it is because of this that I used hers, and still remember it. When I was a waiter (I know, I have had a few jobs), I had one bunch of people who I waited on a time or two and picked up their names. After I called them by name they asked for me every time they came in, and for taking the time to know them they were generous.

When I worked at a coffee shop at my college campus we had an orientation one Saturday. No one wanted to work, let alone open, and so I was there by myself when the flood gates opened. I was understaffed and running out of stock quickly. I, having a strange compulsion to do so, used each person's name (from the name tags they were wearing) and greeting them when they stepped to the register, and called it again to call out when their order was ready. Within the first two hours I got over $50 in tips, but on any other day $10 was considered good for a full shift. Because I took the time to greet each person by name, they were generous and tipped me well.

Using people's names, as well as keeping your's fresh in their mind, is huge!

Homework:

Learn three stranger's names. This can be as easy as talking to a cashier while he or she rings up your groceries or as far as developing a new relationship. Either way, learn their name, you never know who they may turn out to be. I have met a variety of prominent folks and the first thing I do is to remember their name, you may need to call on them down the road.

Carnegie's Second Principle to Get People to Like You: Smile!

This chapter has to be my favorite so far. Carnegie states:

The expression one wears on one's face is more important than the clothes one wears on one's back.

Truer words may have never been spoken. Of all forms of communication body language speaks the loudest. Of body language the most predominant is facial expressions. I remember a look my mother gives when my us "kids" (my three cousins, my sister, and I) have gone perhaps a bit too far at Sunday dinner. I jokingly call it the "look of death" because if looks could kill this one certainly would. Without speaking a word or lifting a finger she can say volumes of words.

I have noted before that charm is essential in "influencing others," and that a friendly smile is as well; but, smiles are also contagious things. Carnegie tells a story of how a waiting room of people held a serious facade. Their gloom was extinguished when a baby was brought in and began to smile at the people around it. We too have this power to brighten people up. The encouragement in a smile moves people to want to agree with what you are saying. Carnegie used the example of who some telemarketing companies instruct their callers to smile because a smile can be heard in a voice. I have to agree with the effectiveness of this; if I smile I sound cheery, with a look of apathy my voice sounds like a smoker's.

People are more apt to do well if they enjoy what they are doing. Apathetic participants have no stake in the outcome and thus don't have the drive to succeed. Shakespeare was quoted in the book as saying:

There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so.

You have the power to make your day better! Don't blame the world/cosmos/karma for your day, that falls to you. Things may go less than desired, but you are the one that reacts positively or negatively to it. Does getting a ticket spur you to drive faster out of anger, or realize you were going too fast and should have slowed down?

If we are wearing smiles perhaps we should also revisit Carnegie's first principal:

Don't criticize, condemn or complain

And should you need help smiling here is what I do:

I sing random songs that can't be sung and be serious (often in the elevator) such as "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts." I make faces at coworkers (the ones that know me), and I don't take myself too serious.

Homework:

Hold your head high and keep your gaze at or slightly above the horizon. Tilting your head down gives you a gloomy appearance that doesn't invite people; but, use caution, too high and you give the air of arrogance. Also I have noticed that those people who have the arrogant stare admiring the ceiling tend to trip over things and are abruptly humbled.

Carnegie's First Principle to Get People to Like You: Be Genuinely Interested in Other People

All animals on a farm are present to serve a purpose; pigs yield pork, cows milk and beef, chickens eggs and meat, but what do dogs provide save their unmatched loyalty and love? In the family communications field family is defined as a group of people who share a history and believe they will have a common future together. What is love but this, a belief in a common future which generally then develops emotional/sentimental attachments.

The issue may arise that an individual feels the scales of the relationship are tipped in the others favor; if the individual doesn't feel the shared history is worth adjusting to accommodate, the relationship may be terminated. The New York Telephone Company preformed a study (one that I can't find a date for) analyzing phone conversations. The word "I" was used over 3,900 times in the course of 500 conversations. We tend to talk about ourselves because it happens to be the subject we know the best. Conversing about the other person tends to develop relationships. For one, you are learning about the other person; but secondly, you are showing an interest in that person's favorite subject: themselves.

Carnegie told the story of a fuel salesman who was to participate in a debate during one of his lectures. The man was previously turned down by a chain store as a supplier of their fuel and he was therefore against chain stores in general. For the debate Carnegie had the salesman take the stance of pro-chain store. The man returned to the CEO of the chain which turned him down to gather information, making it perfectly clear he wasn't there for a sales call. After a few hours of conversation about the company the CEO asked the man to return another time so he could establish a business relationship with the man. Because the salesman showed an interest in the CEO and his ventures, the CEO was interested in him.

Carnegie continued to tell stories of this same nature but to the effect of this:

People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care.

Think about it. Successful salespeople, no matter the breed, seem to have a genuine interest in you. When I get coffee I always go to the same place, not because their coffee is better than others, Heaven knows that isn't it, but because they are always personable and remember my order every time. When I was a barista (maker of coffee) I would converse with my customers to learn what they liked; I would always make their drinks the way they liked, without me having to be told by them every time. One day a customer came in and told me she was here on behalf of one of my regulars and explained that she was told specifically that if "the blonde kid" isn't there don't buy. I showed interest in each customer and they in turn tipped well and always returned.

Homework:

Before diving into a lengthy conversation about yourself remember to keep the scales even and ask about the other person. If you dominate talking it goes from a conversation to a lecture.

Carnegie's Third Principle: Arouse in the Other Person an Eager Want

When one goes fishing, one baits the hook for what the fish one wants to catch. We want the fish to bite the hook, so we make the hook appetizing to it. The same can be generalized to the rest of life; if we want someone to do something, we have to make it worth their while.

Carnegie tells of how Ralph Waldo Emerson and his son were trying to move a calf into the barn, the calf wan't interested in going and put up a fight. The housemaid noticed the struggle and walked to the calf, inserted her finger in the calf's mouth and lead the suckling calf into the barn with ease. Another instance was on my family's farm; we couldn't get a mother pig to leave her newborn piglets so we could notch their ears and so we put the piglets in a basket and had the mother follow. We led the mother to an enclosure, returned to the field, and did what we came to do. The mother wouldn't leave by any force we could muster, but would go easily if it was in her interest.

We have to convince people the same way, that what we want is what they want.

I wanted to buy a new car and the motor company only offered me 7% interest on financing. I had set in my mind that I wouldn't pay over 5% and knew that given my credit I could find lower so I went to a bank in my office building. I was initially turned down, and in a moment if disappointment I called my friend whom I listed as a reference (being one of the few people I knew since I had recently moved to the area). I told her that I didn't understand the risk; I have great credit (for any age, let alone a 21 year old at the time), I was a federal employee and worked only 50 feet from them so they knew where to find me, and that writing me the loan would be pure profit with no risk.

My friend ended up, unbeknownst to me, being a member of the Board of Directors and I had just convinced her that it was worth the bank writing the loan. She promptly called the branch manager and had her fill out the paperwork to be signed the next morning and that she would vouch for me should anyone question it.

I ended up convincing a bank to write a 21 year-old a loan for $12,500 on 4.5% interest; not because I said it would be great for me or because of a sympathy card, but because I told them how this would work best for them.

Homework:

Charm and the appearance of innocence will get you anywhere you want to go. With much caution, see about pushing the limits a bit. Using mild flirtation I have gotten half off my meals at restaurants, comped tickets, and a few other things. It isn't a toy, don't be that guy that does it constantly because it will lose the effect.

Carnegie's Second Principle: Give Honest and Sincere Appreciation

Carnegie stated that the only way to get someone to do something is to make them want to do it. He added the caveat that while you can make someone want to do something through force, the repercussions tend to far out weigh the results.

As humans we have few needs; one of such needs is affection. A study was done to see which was more powerful affection or nourishment. Psychologists took baby monkeys and gave them the option of two artificial mothers: one wire but able to supply milk, the other furry but unable to provide food. The babies grasped relentlessly to the furry "mother" because their desire for affection far outweighed their desire to even eat.

Another study was the Language Deprivation Study done by King Frederick II to determine what language a person would learn if he was not influenced by other languages. He isolated infants in a cell and had nurses feed and bathe the babies but not to interact with them further. ALL of the babies died without any observable causes. Many now believe that they died because they lacked significant interaction and affection.

Everyone seeks appreciation and by extension affection. We all seek greatness, possibly for the desire of affection, but definitely to be appreciated. Carnegie reckons that is why our ancestors developed civilization in the first place. Perhaps the Egyptian pharaohs were a prime example, but it cannot necessarily be said for all cultures. Recently, at a work function a father requested the microphone for a moment. He was the father of an individual from the winning team (the winning team was Canadian) of a design competition and after much inaudible blabbering he said this,

America is the greatest country not because of its weather, resources, or intelligence, but because of American's sense of pride and determination to be great.

A person's desire to be great can overwhelm the individual to the point that their sanity slips to allow them to be great in their won fictitious world if unable to be so in ours. I recall a car dealer growing up demolishing his sprawling mansion to build one larger than his neighbor's new house. He lived with only his wife (who later left him) so there wasn't a need for additional space. As stated in the first section, we are not logical beings by any means, but emotional ones.

The great businessman Charles Schwab said that the one ability he had that made him so great was his ability to arouse enthusiasm among people. Considering how today companies hire "Motivational Speakers" to rally the troops and have sales contests I would agree fully. It is by the human race's desire to be great that we may influence people; should someone sincerely believe that an act is a stepping stone to greatness they will do it with haste.

Respect and appreciation goes a long way. Every major holiday I bake cookies and give them to the people often forgotten about. Our janitorial staff, the security guards, and the baristas at my local coffee joint. Since I have begun doing this, the lady who cleans my office always brings the vacuum by when my office looks a little disheveled but not to others. The security guards greet me with a wave and a friendly smile (and often stop other people who they see more frequently to "verify credentials"), and the coffee shop tends to make my coffee ahead of those in line. It is because I show my gratitude, be it tipping, baking or otherwise, that they have befriended me even if they don't know my name.

Homework:

Show genuine respect and gratitude to each person on the totem pole, no matter their position on it. Everyone talks, it may be the person on the bottom who's voice rings the loudest.