Carnegie's Fourth Principle to Get People to Like You: Be a good Listener. Encourage People to Talk About Themselves.

Carnegie tells of how he had a conversation with a woman who found out he had been the manager of someone just before they went big time. She brought up the places he must have traveled in a prelude to being able to talk about her recent trip to Africa. Carnegie noted this mentally and rather than tell her a story she wasn't particularly interested in, he played to her ego and begged her to tell her story. At the end of their night she thanked him for being "an interesting conversationalist." Though he had said little, she felt engaged a lot because he seemed genuinely interested.

Carnegie continues to tell of how one of his students had an issue at a store she frequented. Her years of patronage were almost a loss after one clerk refused to allow her to exchange a coat. The manager, who recognized her, attempted to make things right in her eyes.

I once went into a popular chain supermarket when I was in need of a small table for my kitchen. I saw one on the shelf for an unbelievable price and then went to find someone to wheel it up front. The woman I found was the store manager and after she and I joked around a bit I asked if she could send someone to my aid. She did and I went to the front to pay; when rang up it showed twice the price I saw earlier. After I queried the Customer Service Rep that was standing near by I politely refused the purchase when they held firm to the price in the computer. I returned to my new manager friend to ensure that I wasn't crazy. She bore witness to the price hanging over the table, then scanned the bar-code and said, "You're right, let's go get you it at this price." They mismarked the item, but it was her capacity to listen that saved them my patronage; I have been known to be a bit spiteful when a faceless corporation wrongs me.

Carnegie later notes how a mother would always stop everything when her kids wanted to talk to her. One day her son told the mother that he knew she loved him because of this, the practice of stopping whatever she was doing in order to listen to the fullest. Time is a commodity that we can sell but never buy back; one that is finite in nature, but spoils if unused. Each of us are given a small allotment of time, how we use it shows what we care about.

Carnegie recalls an episode of a scrooge of a customer was turned around by a lone telephone representative who listen to the man's complaints, taking four appointments in total. Once he had said his peace the customer paid the owed charges and the representative closed the case. The man wanted to moan a bit and until he was heard he wasn't going to give up.

Once, while at a small library on my college campus, a woman walked in, sat down, and attempted to log on to a computer. This library was for a specific major and only students of that major were able to utilize the resources. The woman was distraught when she found out the computer was locked to anyone without the proper credentials and preceded to ask a nearby student for their cell phone. The student complied and she then called 9-1-1. She demanded that the police come and make the computer work; however, when they arrived, it wasn't to fix the computer but to pick up a passenger for the trip back. She craved someone to hear her out, to the point that she called 9-1-1!!!

Sometimes we need someone to merely listen to us; to make us sort our our own problems by saying them aloud. I have a dear friend/boss who's office I have the tendency to waltz into when my mental noise is too much to contain. She and I have an unspoken agreement that if I truly need a solution I will specify that, but otherwise it is me venting. When I get too flustered I need but an audience who won't breathe a word of my frustration to anyone.

Each of us loves to talk of ourselves and admire our heroics; remember this is true for the individual you are conversing with.

Homework:

Allow others to voice more in conversation; rather than formulating a response while they are talking: listen, think, then respond.